...and you thought I was lost-I did too~Change was in the air

So, it's been a while friends, family, blog readers, stalkers, and random readers. 

Yes, I see B's been posting away.  I hear she's been posting away (She kindly texts me to tell me I'm lagging.  Well, she won't say "You're behind, catch up!" She will just say very sweetly, "I posted another one!" and leave out the 'hint, hint'.)  So, here I am...and boy do I have a lot to cover.

Update #1

We moved.

I'd like to leave it at that, but you know me, I can't.  We moved, and the move went well. We purged.  Purging is good, and sometimes things get lost in the shuffle and shovel effect of purging, and sometimes they're lost forever.  Like when you're trying to find that one thing.  You know that one thing?  Well, I can't find it...and I can't remember if we shuffled it? Or shoveled it?  Hmm, I guess I'm still breathing - We will survive the purge.  Moving is really never fun.  I would love to get to a place when we 'don't have to move' again for a super long time.  Define super long time?  I couldn't tell you exactly, I haven't experienced it yet.  But, forwarding of mail, changing of the utilities, deposits, boxes, boxes, and more boxes all equal 'no fun'.  We also added another not so fun aspect to the move, rain.  Oh, that adds more 'fun' to the equation, NOT!  But, all in all the children are in tack, and the parents are in tack...so we're good.  We're better than good. We're GREAT! (Tony The Tiger GRRReAT!!)

I remember eating Frosted Flakes...they were so hard and crunchy...why?  I mean they sometimes hurt the top of my mouth when I ate them...but, I liked them?  I wonder why?  Probably the 'sugar', since we weren't able to eat sugar cereal, except Frosted Flakes.  Hmm, that makes me wonder further...Dear Blog Stalker #1 Fan = Mom, Why Frosted Flakes?

The children remain in the same school, and Mom remains sane for the most part~considering the school aspect of things.

Oh, yah moving also meant...we moved not in the same town but to the next larger 'city' that was to the south of us.  There are a lot of 'good' things I could share about the move like the grocery store-Wait a minute! There's more than ONE grocery store to choose from? Choices are grand, aren't they?  Prices are lower due to the competition...There is more to do for the children, and we even live directly across the street from a park.  The house itself is a cute little place...we seem to fit well in the house...and it's starting to feel more and more like home each passing day.

Update #2
A Puppy!

A PUPPY! Those two words can be said with excitement, with exhaustion, with question...but, for us those two words have meant another addition to our family.  We welcomed Penelope Lane to our family a few weeks back, and we've all turned to mush.  A puppy is like a baby, and she's a princess.  Who knew we could all be mushy dog owners?  I don't remember being one before?  But, this time she's just like the most perfect pup you've ever laid your eyes on!  She's adorable. She's fun & funny to watch.  She's lovable.  She's tiny, but growing daily! She is curious and reminds me of the Poky Little Puppy book that my Mom read to me. " Five little puppies dug a hole under the fence and went for a walk in the wide, wide world." "So the Poky little puppy had to go to bed without a single bite of shortcake, and he felt very sorry for himself."  "And down they went, pell-mell, tumble-bumble, till they came to the green grass; and there they stopped short."  Our little "Penny" is just a Poky!  She goes outside and gets sidetracked by a leaf blowing by, I'm certain she'd miss out on shortcake too!  (If you don't have it, or have never read the Poky Little Puppy to your littles...GO OUT & GET the book! It's truly a classic!)

(See the resemblance?) I even contemplated getting her 'nails' done.  That's how puppy crazy I got.  Don't worry, it's over with...and I've moved on.  (for now).  I'll have to keep you up to date with Penny's growing, us loving her, and all that puppy jazz.

Update #3

People were born

March seemed to be a month you'd want to count back nine months and see who's parents were getting along at that time...We had so many Birthday's to celebrate!  We even jammed them in on one weekend day and had a hoot and a holler and a slice of cake to boot!  We had Marie's, Arlissa's, Steve's, Steven's, Will's, Justin's, Addie's, Rachel's, Christina's and Adam's (sorry Adaminsky for missing your hoot and holler-I sent squeezes from afar) & I'm sure that I'm forgetting somebody on that list...But, nonetheless the cake was grand, the company was over the top, and some of the rest we'll leave out ~ cause what happens at T's house~Stay's at T's house.  So, you know we had a good time!  There's nothing more than I love than a squished house full of people I love...absolutely nothing.  I was born to love my people, and love them with all of my heart.  It appears that at times, there's not enough of me to go around...and I don't get enough time to talk, squeeze, or listen to my peeps...But, I sure hope they know that I love them. (Do you?~Do you know that I love you?)  One of the best parts of this past weekend celebration, is that I even saw people who've not seen in a long time...and I miss terribly.  I get scolded from time to time by one (who shall remain nameless, Tara) but, in her heart of hearts...I think she knows I love her to the moon~no matter what time passes, what water flows under the bridge, or how many times the hands go around the clock-I will always love you.

Update #4

Meems

For those of you who know me, for me...This last change I've been ignoring the share.  I have chosen to do my best to try and find my balance before I share it.  I think I'm ready. (Key word: think.)  So, if you're reading this, I have made it through from beginning to end of writing my heart.  I can already feel the pang of pain in my chest, and I've not even written a thing!  It was in 2006 that my dream of adoption came to fruition.  We were presented with a few cases, and if I had it my way we would have had a gang for sure of only God knows how many children.  But, it was the destiny of all destiny's that I heard of a little girl who needed a forever home.  She was bright, hurt (many times over, in many ways), and talked like a trucker, with curly-swoopy brown hair, and eyes of blue.  (I will only speak on my behalf, and not of my husband at the time~solely my own account.)  It was decided that we would meet with her, at the park.  A place that would be inconspicuous of a meeting with prospective parents.  Right.  This girl was bright beyond her years, although I don't believe she knew what exactly was going on, just that something was going on.  We met with her foster mother, and she was an amazing woman, with a house full of energetic kids, love, and you knew that there was nobody in this world like her~Yes, she was that amazing of a mother.  I couldn't get close to her right away, I kept my distance due to the obvious fact that I am emotional, and I didn't want to send the wrong message to her.  I wanted to be strong and happy before her.  When I did get the courage to step forward, I still cried but, hid behind my dark sunglasses.  She was outgoing and a busy body.  She asked me my name, right off the cuff.  I answered her, and she asked if I'd like to swing with her.  Of course I did.  We were swinging, and I asked her if she wanted to be pushed higher?  She said yes, and that was the first time I touched her.  You might wonder why that is important, for me everything is important.  I can picture that day, as if it were yesterday.  She was finished with swinging, and ready to roll.  She ran over to see the ducks, I was afraid as if she were my first child.  You know when you have your first, you worry about them doing most everything; like climbing the ladder of a slide.  The first child you climb close behind them, you slide with them, and you do it over and over again.  The second child you climb with them, but realise they can slide on their own-but, run around to catch them at the bottom.  The third child you climb halfway, and let them slide on their own and still catch them on the way down (they usually beat you there).  The fourth child you let them climb on their own and slide on their own...But, fuhgetaboutit~you've figured out they can do it all on their own!  And if there's more...they just go and go and go...You want to wear them out! Well, that day, it was like my first child.  I didn't want her to get too close to the waters edge.  I didn't want her to fall.  I didn't want her to get hurt.  I can remember she and I were walking along the water, and she reached up and held my hand.  She-reached-up-and held MY hand!  I was like putty, and wanted so badly to pick her up.  She was talking a mile a minute, about everything and nothing, and something, and this thing and that~not finishing a sentence...just wanting to cram it all in.  She said to me, "Can I go to your house?"  I asked her, "Would you like to some day?"  She answered, "How about right now?"  I smiled.  It was then when I asked her if  I could pick her up?  She was ready, and practically jumped into my arms.  She offered me her hat, and wanted my camera.  I have a lot of pictures of sand, feet, legs, and half of her doll that was on the ground.  Great memories I hold with me always.

What felt like an eternity became real one day in February 2005, following other memories of her staying the night with us.  Becoming a family-and the very special day of Adoption Day.  My Meems, by law was officially a part of the family.  I didn't need that day to know that she was already a part of me...from that first day I heard anything about her...to that day in the park....I didn't 'need' the adoption day...as much as she did. 

We've worked from the beginning on the retraining of her brain, on the RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder), on the Sensory Integration, the sadness, the hurt person...the stealing, the lying, the cheating.  You think I might be 'just' talking about someone taking something.  Someone not telling the truth.  Someone not doing something, but saying they did...'normal' upbringing stuff.  No, I'm talking about something deeper than that...if you remember, I will and have done everything within my powers driven by my heart and soul...for my family~and I mean EVERYTHING.  At the risk of loosing my whole family...I have done everything.  (I hope that you understand exactly how difficult this is for me to 'share'...but, if it wasn't for just yesterday that another adoptive mother, who I know personally...is going through the same thing...Yes, just yesterday I received a call.-My heart hurts for her...her struggles...her pain...her sorrow...it doesn't go away...it remains as a part of you....forever, and that is the reason for me writing this today~Because maybe somebody out there needs to know they're not alone.  They've not given up hope.  They have done the best they could.  They are still forever, it just looks different.) 

This last year plus has been more than extremely difficult.  At times I wouldn't even of had words to define how things were going, how everyone was, or how I was feeling.  Most everything in my life, I will give it my all and when it comes to my children and family there is nothing that will stop me from trying to figure it out.  I've never been one to give up or to not try.  The drive I speak of comes from some place deep in my soul, and when I simply can't do it or figure it out...I keep going.  Little did I know that my perseverance and undying determination could also lead to damaging situations.  Damage in relationships between she and her siblings, between she and the school, and pretty much wherever she was...Damage control was needed.  My little girl, who was hurt and has been hurt so many times in her lifetime was not just 'acting' out.  She was crumbling inside.  She had made decisions to hurt others.  She hurt others.  She was plotting and planning to hurt her family.  She was figuring out ways to do so.  She stole a family heirloom wedding ring, that was for she and her siblings and sold it for $5, for candy. Then lied about it.  She vandalised at home, at school, in public.  She stopped feeling, because it was easier than to feel what she did feel.  I realise that criticism may flow and come my way...but, I'm telling you that the fighter inside of me kept right on loving her through it...Kept right on trying to lead her in a direction that was better for her...Kept right on believing in her tomorrow...Kept right on holding her up...lifting her daily, hourly, by minute.  But, the everything and more aspect of my parenting was not working...and simply put, I was told that if my child had cancer, or diabetes would I let her go untreated?  Would I keep trying to make it better for her without help?  The most difficult answer did not lie in the word, "No."  The most difficult answer was that to do so, I had to let her go.  I had to let her out of my sight.  I had to allow someone who is gifted in the possibility of helping her, and healing her...to try.  But, to do so, she had to move.  Move away...and that is the single most frightening thing to do, that I've ever encountered...to let my child go.  The day came, and went...I wanted to crawl into a hole.  I wanted to go to bed.  I wanted to cry more...I wanted to hold all of my children, physically..and never let go.  I wanted to break...I wanted to crumble more than I already felt...I was not whole inside...How can I be whole outside?  I didn't care what anyone thought...They don't know what we feel...they don't know how it feels to let go the way I had to...There is one person who does...I now had a mental picture of Momma "M" (Meems' birthmother).  I now know how she felt, she didn't want this to happen...she didn't want to let go...In her case, sure she didn't have a choice...but, I'm sure I now truly know how she felt...l o s t.  Alone...scared....and empty.  Aching to hold her, to make it all better...and I couldn't.  I had to see if someone else could help her begin to heal.

Here I had the rest of my bundles...all surrounding me.  They still need me to love them in this moment, right in front of me.  Sometimes the powers from above...take note...and things happen... When she took her first steps to get better, it was November 18th.  We were headed to Disneyland for Thanksgiving, my most favorite place ever, if you know me.  But, I'd rather skip this trip...Let's go at a later time...not now...I'm not ready...But, we went anyhow.  I put on my happy face, and went through the motions...Yes, I enjoyed my first entrance (I always do), when you hear that music and see the magic...there's nothing else more enjoyable to see on your child's face, than that of a Disneyland face!  Change happens.  I am loved.  I am forgiven and understood.  It was in Disneyland that I was able to see with the assistance and love from my fiance (I ended up getting engaged that trip in Disneyland), and the love from my family and friends, that it wasn't about that I had given up~Rather turned another corner to see if this could possibly help her - Help her heal and live each breath, and learn to love herself.  I certainly hadn't stopped loving her, but in all acutality~I loved her even more - when I didn't even think it was possible to squeeze in more love.  Fear was my biggest enemy...What if she thinks I don't love her, even though I said it a million times, and tried to show her a bazillion times?  What if she hurts herself again? What if she feels alone and scared, and believes that she is?  All of those fleeting thoughts and emotions, came and went by like I was in a warp zone of the heavens, with the stars zooming by me...and when it all came to a stop, I was able to see & feel that with the love I have for her...That she knows, no matter what I love her more than anything in this world.  She is amazing.  She is exactly perfect exactly the way she is...I just want for her to feel it...to see it...to touch it...to know that she is. 

So, although it's not an in depth description...It's the best I've got for you my readers, my sister, my friends, my Mom, my loves, my whomever you might be this moment reading...I know you may not understand. You couldn't, because you haven't walked in our shoes.  You may not care, and that's alright too. You may judge me. You may not...But, if there's someone out there who needed to read, that you're not alone...You've got a friend in me.  You are truly never alone, even if you feel like it...Take a breath and let that feeling go...I'm right here, right here with you.

For you the reader...

You've got a friend - James Taylor

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SxToTUoWGM

The song that always makes me smile and think of my Meems...

You'll be in my heart - Phil Collins

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JIVaUcE4kAM

I heard this song this morning...and I thought of my Meems...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkWGwY5nq7A

I love you Meems

Yesterday, Today, and this moment...

Love,

Mom

Love Deeply, Live Out Loud, & Live Your Dash,

T

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