Can you find the humor in, farts!?!

Only those who truly, truly know me inside and out know the things that make me laugh.  Not just a silly giggle but a laugh out loud, bust a gut, knee slapper.  It almost never fails that (ahem) one of these things is farts, yes farts can make me crack up like there's no tomorrow.



I can't handle when I have to smell another persons farts, but sometimes the sounds are too much and I just have to give into my juvenile sense of humor when it comes to this subject.  There are loud farts, silent farts (dubbed as silent-but-violent or silent-but-deadly in our house), there are smelly farts and scentless farts.  You can't imagine the amount of information there is out there on farts, and if you don't believe me google it.  I am completely serious, there must be more than just me who can get a good laugh out of this bodily function.

 


One of the worst farts I can recall is nicknamed "The cropduster".  Yes, you probably have experienced this and didn't even know it had a name.  You know what I am talking about here.  You are cruising through the aisles of Target nonchalantly, when you turn your cart into the houseware aisle.  Suddenly your nostrils are burning, and you smell something to resembles a rotten egg.  What could that be?  You have more than likely been "crop dusted".  What is that you ask?  It's when you or someone else cracks a fart (probably a silent one hoping to get away with it) and walks away before someone sees him/her.  The smell lingers and hits the next person who unknowingly walks into it.  Blaaahhh!





Another horrible, potentially near death experience would be called the, "Dutch Oven".  This fart is by far one of the most barf inducing blasters.  You are sitting in bed snuggled up to the one you love.  You are watching a movie, or talking over your day.  Blam.  Your head gets shoved under the covers and before you realize it you are gasping for air.  A fart was let out under the covers and you had to smell it up close and personal.  Thankfully I can say I have never experienced this one, and I don't plan on it...but I know people who have and lets just say it's not pretty.

A funny story I can share is one of my own.  Picture it, this was about 18 years ago and my husband and I had been dating for a few years at this point.  He was visiting me in my dorm room in college.  We were bored, and had little cash flow, and we were trying to entertain ourselves.  I do believe that he was watching a "007" marathon on TNT or something.  He suddenly lets out a fart.  Now for those of you who don't know him, he is not a very gassy person generally.  But regardless, he lets one out.  I start laughing and say, "I can fart louder than that one".  He looks at me in disbelief.  Keep in mind we were still basically in the "honeymoon" stage of our relationship.  No peeing in front of one another, being on your best behaviour etc.  He responds to me with, "I don't believe it, show me". 

He will tell you this story himself, that he never knew by opening up the flood gates on this particular day (or fart gates) that once he gave me the OK I was letting it loose from that day forward.  I know for a fact that he regrets that conversation to this day....

What is it about farts that is so funny?  Some people are completely grossed out by it, but lets face it.  I don't care how handsome, beautiful, funny, or smart you are...WE ALL DO IT.  Think about it, babies start farting bubbles in the bathtub and giggling...it starts from and early age.  I am most certainly not condoning people cracking farts all over in public, but if you are in the comfort of your own home and with your friends and family?  By all means, crack one once and a while...you might be surprised, it breaks the silence and you might just get a laugh out of them...As for lighting your farts on fire, I am not giving anyone permission to do anything of the sort. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TC44L21UtiA

You may be embarrassed to read this blog today, believe me I am slightly embarrassed to be sharing it with you...but since T blogged about honesty earlier today I thought I might come clean.

 

Embrace Your Sparkle,

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A few...Motherhood Do's and Don'ts

It has come to my attention a few things over these 19+ years of mothering of what one should do and what one shouldn't...Here's my take on a few for now...

As a Mother you should always tell the truth...Well, maybe not always.
I was asked day before yesterday if Santa Clause is 'real'.  My answer was, "Yes, he is."  I remember that when I was married to my first husband we didn't really celebrate Santa Clause because he felt he was a lie.  I on the otherhand thought of the very foundation of where the idea of Santa Clause comes into our lives, and ran with it...and continue to do so.  It's not as simple as 'Why yes my sweet child, Santa Clause is real.'...Especially if you're a wordy Mom like myself.  I'm sure I loose them in the initial explanation/version and reasoning of real vs. not.  I go into the T version...'He had a reputation for secret gift-giving, such as putting coins in the shoes of those who left them out for him, and thus became the model for Santa Claus, whose modern name comes from the Dutch Sinterklaas, itself from a series of elisions and corruptions of the transliteration of "Saint Nikolaos". His reputation evolved among the faithful, as was common for early Christian saints." (Thanks Wikipedia-for further info... here's the link:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Nicholas

In the meantime, I further explain that there are people who carry this tradition on and the beauty of giving continues on by the spirit of many all over this globe who give to others...I like the guy in the red suit anyhow...He's evolved...but, deep down it's the spirit that brings the smile to my heart and I hope to my children's...

I happen to know him personally....Do you?

As a Mother you should use real words for body parts...and AGAIN tell the truth.
I don't know how many times life as a parent has presented new and fabulous ways of describing, defining, and learning about body parts.  'How did the baby actually get inside the Mom's tummy?' 'Why does your pee pee look like that?' 'I'm not going to get hair, am I?' 'Are you doing stickers without me?' 'My butt made that noise' ...those are a few quotes from the MANY that come to mind as I'm typing about this topic...So, without further adieu let me elaborate on a couple...

'How did the baby actually get inside the Mom's tummy?' -My reply, "Oh it's magical.  The beauty of it all is that the baby is made from part from the Dad and part from the Mom.  Than the baby grows and the most amazing thing happens.  We Mom's are made to have the babies so there is a hole where the baby comes out.  'Where's the hole?' Uh, it's down in the private area...which is partly why it's private.  'Can I see it sometime." Uh, no it's private.  'Why can't I see it, is it too small?'  Uh, well let me get this book...and I'll kinda show you that way, okay?  'Ok'.  (If you don't as a parent have this book, you should get it...It really is amazing!

I show them from the book...then comes, "Why can't boys have babies?"  Me-You wouldn't be able to take it.  So, God made Mommy's to have babies, it's that simple.  Some day you'll understand better.  In the meantime, just enjoy that babies and how they're made are just so amazing!  If you have any other questions don't you worry...ask away...I'll try and answer as honestly as possible, cause sometimes it can be confusing.  The End...

'Why does your pee pee look like that?' Girls are born this way and boys are born that way.  That's what makes the difference between boys and girls.  Crazy huh?  'Well, I bet it's hard for you to stand and go pee without this?!'  Yes honey, it does make it more challenging...thanks for the heads up.  'Well, mine goes like this (swaying back and forth) and yours can't.  That's a bummer for you.'  No not really, girls don't want to do that.  'Oh why not?'  You know, I can only speak for myself...I just can't say I've wanted to-ever.  The End...

'I'm not going to get hair, am I?' (I like to answer in the 'we' format, for some it doesn't work...for me it does.)  We all grow hair in different places as we grow up.  It's sometimes not fun.  Sometimes it just is a hassle.  But, boys really want to grow facial hair cause it's a sign of growing up.  Girls, they have to manage it differently and can be a bother.  It's sooo hard to explain, as you grow up I'll try to give you better examples.  Does that make sense?  'No, am I going to get hair too-that's all I wanted to know.'  Yes. 'Well where will it grow?' Hmm, let's see your chin, under your nose, in your pits, in your private area, and believe it or not more hair will grow on your legs and arms...some people get more than others and some people have darker hair than others...you just don't know until it grows.  Crazy huh?  'No, I just don't want to know, where now and when?.'  Honey, I just am not sure, you tell me when you see a difference.  (6 months later) 'MOM!  I'm a grown up now!!!'  Oh you are, are you? And how do you know this?  'I have some hair!'  I see that's wonderful!  (Oh how simple growing up can be.)

'Are you doing stickers in there without me?'  When I had my second child, I was taking care of some let's call it feminine hygiene that follows having a baby.  I was removing the adhesive from a product, and as I was doing so - my oldest child who was not used to being locked out of the restroom...Was screaming at the top of his lungs.  "Are you DOING STICKERS IN THERE WITHOUT ME?'  No Honey, I'll be out in a moment, I'm using the restroom.  As I finished up and left the bathroom, he rushed in and opened every single drawer, cabinet, and turned back the shower curtain-looking for the sticker loot!  Alas, he didn't find any and peered through untrusting eyes that I had done stickers without him.  (Years later I told him, and we had a laugh.)

I imagine it looked something like this...

'That was my butt making that noise.'  As my children have grown, I've diligently tried to teach them that bodily functions are just that...they happen to every single person that I know...and there's no humor in it.  But, the boys especially think that farting is an art.  One of my boys, when he was potty training...was sitting for the usual extremely long time on the potty.  He was trying so hard to just go on the big potty so he would get the sticker to put on his potty chart.  Basically he farted while on the potty.  It 'sounded' big and echoeyish...He snickered and said, "That was my butt making that noise." to this day...I can still picture that cutie patootie sitting on the big potty...and his little voice.  Pure innocent fascination and humor.

I'll leave you for now with those...and try to come up with a few more...by next week.

Good Memories...

Love Deeply, Live Out Loud & Live your Dash,
T








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The Fruits of Our Labor...Blackberry Jam!

Let me just begin by saying I have been telling myself I need to sit down and blog for at least a week now.  I can't always speak for my seester T, but this time I can say that we have both been super busy lately.  Not a bad busy, just busy with life...children...school starting...etc.  I finally am kicking myself in the batootie today to sit down and write.

Growing up, our Mom and Grandpa used to take us "berry picking".  We would put on some grubby clothes, take a plastic bucket and set off on an adventure.  We knew that when we got home we would turn the "fruits of our labor" into some kind of wonderful pie, cobbler or jam.  The very street that we grew up on had a logging road at the foot of it, and you could walk down a dirt trail to a large blackberry patch just minutes away from our childhood home.  We would load up on the luscious, dusty berries (take note that there were a few times we got dusted out by the logging trucks rumbling by while picking) to bring home and whip up some deliciousness.



This is the type of adventure that I believe should be carried on. It seems like many children don't have the opportunity to feel how rewarding it can be to experience these simple things.  Not only spending quality time with your friends & family but to also feel the sense of accomplishment.  Filling your bucket and making something out of your treasure, in this case, the berries. 

About six weeks ago, I decided to take our children berry picking at a place called "Apple Hill". Apple Hill is about twenty minutes from our home. For those of you who aren't aware of this location, it is truly a beautiful spot located in the mountains and we are beyond lucky to have it nearby. All year round there are fruits and vegetables growing, wine tasting, Christmas tree farms, and during my favorite time of year Fall...there are many pumpkin patches, corn mazes and other seasonal events!  The place we went berry picking is called "Patricks Berry Farm".  They grow hundreds of berry bushes for their customers to come and pick.  You have to pay by the pound for these berries, and I assure you it is worth the experience!  They grow a variety of blackberries including the biggest I have ever seen, called "Triple Crown".  These berries were the bomdiggity and we loaded up on them to bring home.



The first day we picked our berries, we washed them up and baked a blackberry pie.  The remainder of the berries were bagged up in freezer bags, to save for a later date.

Little did I know, that the "later date" was last week.  While taking our son to school I got a wild hair to make blackberry jam.  I had spoken with our Mom the day before and she had mentioned something about making jam, and that planted the seed.  After our daughter V and I dropped Z off at school, we went to Walmart to gather up the appropriate jam making supplies.  I had never made jam on my own before, and I envisioned a magical experience.  Making these adorable little jars of jam, complete with a pretty fabric under the lid for decoration of course, and passing them out as gifts to friends and family.  I love seeing something as simple as a bowl of berries turn into something as delicious as jam to spread on toast, pancakes or make thumbprint cookies.  (If you haven't noticed already I am a bit of a romantic foodie.  One of the simple things I love in life is to bake or cook a new recipe and share it with others)

My partner in crime, V, and I rushed home from Walmart with good intentions to have a jam making day.  Truth be told, I procrastinated for the first several hours because I was scared of making this magical jam, and to be honest procrastinating is one of my faults.  I chop it up to working well "under pressure".  Dumb, I know, but after reading the recipe online I was intimidated.  What could go wrong?  Was I going to do this right?  After several calls to our Mom throughout the morning, I decided to jump in head first. 

I began by boiling the jars and lids to make sure they were sterilized.  I only have one large stock pot, so I heated up water and stored the clean jars in my crockpot.  It's oversized, and ghetto or not, it worked. I kept the lids in hot water on the stovetop to keep them warm. 

I pre-measured the sugar and set it aside on the counter.  I might mention at this point, I was pleasantly suprised at how few ingredients jam takes but shocked at the amount of sugar that goes into this treat.

I smashed the berries, and boiled them with the pectin as instructed on the recipe and began filling the jars.  (I might be missing a few steps during this recollection but bear with me) At this point my ridiculous cooking anxiety set in again and I called my Mom. "MOM!  What if I mess it up?"  I was concerned my jars wouldn't seal.  I mentioned to her I thought the recipe was going to make more jam than it appeared and what could have gone wrong?  At that point I tasted a sample on my finger.  It didn't taste very sweet?  OMG!  I looked over by the toaster oven where I had carefully set the pre-measured sugar bowl.  It hit me, I FORGOT TO ADD THE SUGAR!  I panicked and told Mom I would call her back.  I threw everything out of the jars and into my boiling pot again, mixed in the sugar and re-filled the jars for the second time.  There.  These little jars of jam had to turn out.  But inside, I was concerned.  Had I just messed them up? 

I called our Mom back and she assured me to be patient for the jars to seal or "pop".  I felt like I was waiting to go into labor or something.  I waited, and I checked the jars.  I waited and watched. Watched and waited.  To make a long story short, my jam jars didn't seal.  I am not sure what went wrong, it could've been the timing with the sugar incident or?

The next day I went out and bought new lids to "reprocess" the jars in hopes that they would seal.  Once again, I boiled the lids, made sure the top of each jar was clean of any jam debris.  I scooped out the excess in any of the jars that seemed to be overfull, because I had read online that a number of these things could've been the culprit of why the jars didn't seal. 

I did everything I could do to try and get these babies to seal, and it was a no-go.  So the jars went into the fridge to be eaten immediately, and I shared a few with friends and a neighbor.  Much less glamorous delivery than I had imagined explaining, "My jam jars didn't seal, so here is some homemade jam for you.  Make sure you put it in your fridge and eat immediately."  Our house has been eating  pb & j sandwiches daily to try and eat up the jam.  The bonus, it tastes amazing.  We just have an over-abundance of it...things could be worse.

What did I learn from this crazy jam making debaucle?  I am more determined than ever to make it now.   I had fun getting all of the supplies ready and I now have them for next time.  I had a fantastic, memory making day with our children picking the berries...and I can't wait to try again another day this Fall.  I will conquer this task and take on the next foodie adventure in B's kitchen!

Please share if you have any good canning, jam making tips...I can use them!

Until then,

Embrace Your Sparkle!

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